Lovingly Selfish
This actually isn’t clickbait.
I am a 32-year-old mom and I am proudly selfish af.
Selfishness gets a bad rap and honestly, if you had some crazy visceral reaction reading that you need to ask yourself why. The world is constantly asking all of us to be some selfless robots and personally I think that’s SELFISH! You deserve to be happy you aren’t some sacrificial lamb. For years I put myself on the back burner because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s “feelings” I put everyone over myself, and you know what that got me? Depression and a shit load of anxiety that’s what I got. I was married, I had a few kids and I was fucking MISERABLE I hated my life. I felt like a servant, I felt like a cow (breastfeeding), and I felt forgotten. I did not come to this planet to be someone’s mom who’s only remembered as a good cook and missed in death while not being appreciated in life.
I don’t think you did either honestly. I got tired of the panic attacks and the drowning I felt the second I woke up and decided it was time to change. I had to start prioritizing me. If I didn’t I would’ve died I’m not even being dramatic. I was a shell I didn’t want to be here, I dreamt of not being here I wanted to not be here so much I prayed I would just drift away. So many days I spent feeling sorry for myself asking myself “Whyyyy”, but not moving. Like what sense does that make? NONE. That’s what! It makes zero sense to ask for change, but then stand there with your head in the sand. Life is not just going to come to you, you have to move your feet … at least do a little shuffle something.
I got up out of the depths of my shitty attitude and decided to start acting like I was 23 again. I had my first son at 23 years old and I never mourned the Young Woman I laid to rest so this was her time. The first thing I did was be honest about what I wanted for myself, I looked at my life and had to be real. What had I been lying about? What had I been hiding? What was I trying to smother out? Who was I? Well for starters I had to come to the realization that I was a BIG FAT LESBO (I’m actually Pan, but it’s complicated it’s more like WLW honestly) and that was okay. I spent so long trying to pray the gay away and I almost forgot this was who I always was. I came out AGAIN to no one’s surprise… except my MIL, my husband even knew he told people all the time I was gay. I came out and essentially blew up my life it was terrifying but exuberating! I got a piece of me back the next step in my reclaiming was to look like how I wanted. In my opinion, I looked like a suburban mom and I didn’t like that 23-year-old me was a hot girl. I cut my hair like I wanted to and didn’t have anyone to answer to it felt AMAZING. I had locs prior to this and had experienced postpartum hair loss with my 3rd son that left me with thin edges it was a point of contingency. The joy and newfound confidence I felt was exuberating I know these thing’s sound petty to some but it was HUGE for me. This was the first time I was putting intentional time back into myself and having fun while doing it. At this point, I was just chasing new experiences and joined a pole fitness studio! I put all my frustrations and doubts into pole, I moved my body in ways that made me feel strong and committed to “Me Time”. This was non-negotiable time for just me and it was fun. I started prioritizing FUN in my life I took trips, I took solo days, and I found myself piece by piece. I started saying “NO”! Have you said “No” this week? Try it! There’s something beautiful about a well-placed no it just rolls off the tongue after a while. It takes a bit of training, but it’s worth it people will judge and say you’ve changed into this self-satiating monster. I’m here to encourage you to find that monster! Pour into yourself like no one else will and watch the magic begin.
Say No. Be honest. Choice You. Get back into your body. Find indulgence. Wake your selfish side up!
I believe in you and all that you are until next time
With Love,
Naeerah
